Kimi's Corner

What a Steal!

2012-01-23T21:51:00.004-05:00

The thrift store had a buy one get one free for the women's clothing. So for 14 bucks I got a robe(cause my house is chilly!), 2 shirts for Isaiah, and 9 tops for me. I decided to look up online how much these would have costed me if I bought them new.

Gap tee $14.95

Gap striped tee $22.95

Ann Taylor Loft sweater top $59.50

Ann Taylor Loft sweater top $59.50(another color)

Ann Taylor Loft long sleeve shirt $29.99

Old Navy tee $24.94

One Step Up $ 14.00

Silx by August Silk sweater $34.38

OshKosh 2T shirt $12.00

Carters 3T shirt $3.99

Charolette Russe top $ 22.99

Robe- probably $20 from Target

Total: $319.19

I spent 14.

So I saved $305.19- not too shabby

How our Family Enjoys Sabbath(rest-day off):

2012-01-21T14:05:00.004-05:00

Since recently trying to rest one day a week- it is great. Last week was super busy and I only rested a few hours on Saturday. Living a life without regular rhythmic rest is unsustainable and will likely lead to a burnout, weary existence. So this week I have been looking forward to Sabbath, which for us is Friday dinner to Saturday dinner. I try to get my junk/house clean, etc. done before 5 on Friday. And if i dont that is fine- but easier to let go and rest when I do. I resist the urge to do and ignore the "i should....". Sometimes it takes a 22 month old to remind me to do this. Last night after dinner Isaiah with his chubby little hand took my finger and lead me to his room to play "dep bup"- translation pet shop. So I sit down next to him and once he is distracted I attempt to sneak out to get something done on my computer (email or something). After only a few seconds I hear, "Mama, mama, mama." And there is Isaiah at my side with arm outstretched with his chubby finger waiting for me to grab onto it and follow him back into his room. It is as though he says, "Mama, you forgot we were playing and you left." After a few minutes I search again for my chance to slip out. I do and the cycle repeats with Isaiah. And two attempts, I get it- just forgot about it. Let it go. Sit on the floor, rest, play with your son - nothing is so important that it cannot wait 24 hours to respond to. Thank you Isaiah for reminding me to play and for a moment to stop being such a grown up.

So today the agenda for me is:

*sleep in til 10:00 a.m

*eat frozen pizza for lunch with kids

*read my book

*bake Ty's delicious blueberry muffins

*eat so many I need to sit and let it digest

*journal(blog- I love to write my thoughts down. such a relaxing exercise)

*Jeremy took the girls on a daughter date while Isaiah napped so I can enjoy a quiet house

So for our family Sabbath means:

-sleeping in

-PJs all day

-slippers (this is nothing new for me-I wear them anytime I am awake during cold months)

-stacking dishes in sink

-ignoring my messy house

-puzzles

-reading

-creating (baking, scrapbooking, woodworking, etc...)

-forget about food rules and healthy eating

-color

-nap

-Wii

-cozy on the couch

I love thinking and writing about Sabbath. I have other posts on Sabbath and rest.

What I was lacking this week....

2012-01-14T13:35:00.003-05:00

This week has been an insanely busy church planters week. jeremy and I have been so busy with trying to get ready for Sunday. We sent out a 20,000 mailer and want to make sure we are ready if new visitors come. We want to have all our ducks in a row and just make sure everything is done with excellence. So I have felt like I am paddling just keep my head above the water. We usually take time to rest friday evening to Saturday evening. But we both worked late into the night last night. So today I wanted to make sure I took sometime to just rest in God's goodness. Once I laid Isaiah down for his nap, girls were watching Fraggle Rock- I wanted to spend some time resting and doing something I normally do not have time to do but want to do. sometimes that just means a nap, or scrapbooking but today I just wanted to clean my bedroom- which is normally just a dumping ground- totally not a retreat away. I decided to listen to some of my favorite praise music, The Campaign,(you tube video of a song-i am not a pro at adding links. i could not find a website for them) while doing so. I was able to just shut the door, turn it up and enjoy the music. Praise music is sooooo good for my soul. It connects my heart to my Savior and brings new life to my weary bones. How do I get so caught up in doing, meetings, and the craziness of life that I forget that I need to stay connected to Jesus who gives me life. Many weeks the only time I spend in worship is on Sunday mornings. I want to get back in a grove of playing my favorite praise songs in the van and in my living room- just singing & dancing with my precious kids. I want my kids to see my relationship with Jesus- not just a private faith but one I live out and they can see their mama singing to the Lord. so thankful for music!!

Joy

2012-01-05T14:01:00.003-05:00

Today Psalm 4:7 was the verse I picked to journal and do my S.O.A.P(previous blogs explain this) on.

S(scripture)-It says, "You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound."

O(observation)- Psalms is a cool book of the Bible. Much of it is praises to God. Praise for his faithfulness. Praise for his blessings. Praise for his protection.

A(application)- I have deep joy. Not just happiness others may experience when they come into alot of money, win lotto or are rich. It is a deep rooted joy in an eternal God and his eternal promises, not a joy rooted in temporary things/wealth can be be lost or stolen. In my experience, some of the most joyful people I know are also some of the poorest people I know. The opposite has also been true- some of the most miserable people I know have everything they could ever want to buy. My joy comes from the Lord, my creator and savior. He has saved me eternally but also saved me from living a meaningless life now. I have purpose and passion because of Jesus.

P(prayer)- thank you Jesus for the joy you give.

I Need Peace

2011-10-17T21:25:00.004-04:00

4:45a.m- Isaiah crying and standing in his crib. This pattern is wearing on me. I need to learn how to train him to sleep longer. He wakes grumpy so of course I cannot put him down to do my housework. So up on the hip he goes as I unload the dishwasher. There is no stopping the tears. I am crying cause I am angry and going bitter. My thoughts: "Isaiah why are you doing this to me? You know, mommy needs time to herself. This is not fair. I need some quiet time in the morning, all alone." I stew in this self-pity and bitterness for awhile and then I hear "why are you angry?". And in that moment I realized that I have a choice. I can choose to grow bitter and be in a crappy mood today because of this and let my anger get the best of me. I was thinking," how can I be angry when I have so much to be thankful for? For starters: I woke up this morning. Isaiah woke up this morning. He woke up strong and healthy. He woke up not connected to wires and machines in a hospital bed." I thought, "how can I take these HUGE things for granted?" So I got out of that funk, moving on with the rest of the morning.

As I go about my morning, I am all over the place which is pretty normal for me. With all my kids I get distracted easily, putting out one fire to the next. I was feeling so scattered and

discouraged and I prayed,"Lord, help me not feel so scattered. Give me wisdom on how I can get more done." No joke, I heard(now I do not hear him audibly but in my thoughts, just to clarify :) Eliminate the noise. And I knew exactly what is the noise that distracts me- my iphone with its facebook, email and then my computer. So I thought "okay, tomorrow I am going to try to turn my iphone completely off(if anyone has an urgent need they can just call my house) and not touch my computer until I get the stuff done that i want and need to get done like my chores, my quiet time, and my exercise. And even then I thought I would still have boundaries on how long I do those things. So I thought I could do phone/internet... somewhere during the times 12-3. Now of course I do not want to do it for full 3 hours, maybe 30-45 minutes taking care of those things like texts, email, internet, etc....I was thinking I really do not want to be doing my phone and computer around my kids but instead to be fully present with them. And if necessary I could jump on computer once they get in bed. They will emulate my behavior so if I do not want teens who are constantly on their gadgets then jeremy and i have to model that and set needed boundaries.

So after dinner Jeremy watched the kids so I could exercise. i decided to just walk to the lake because i just needed quiet relaxing time. and when i run i cannot really think but only think that i cant wait til I am done. so i walked to the laked just enjoying praying while i walked. I sat at the lake enjoying the beautiful sunset. I could not stop looking at the gorgeous sky and clouds. A song popped in my head,"I lift my eyes up, up to the heavens, where does my help come from? My help comes from you, Maker of heaven, creator of the earth. Oh, how I need you Lord, you are my only hope. you are my only prayer. so i will wait for you to come and rescue me and come and give me life." What a good reminder that I need this time away to sit with my Creator.

Trying to Find Balance in my Chaos-Part 3

2011-10-17T21:23:00.001-04:00

So a big aspect of trying to find balance is my schedule and how to best manage what I have. I have been thinking about this alot lately because I feel like I have very little me time. And know that comes with being a mom. I love my kids immensely and am so thankful for them and their health. But I still need things to help strengthen who I am as a person.

Two things I really want: to be healthy spiritually and physically. It is so good for me and my soul when I do my SOAP Bible reading and journaling(older posts as what that looks like) and spend time with my prayer journal. I love when I do that. Never in my life could I really say that I have been healthy until recently(really trying:). There were times when I was thinner but that does not mean healthier. I may have been smaller but my lunch was a Dr. Pepper, giant slim jim and a mini bag of cheezits. For so long I thought health was all about what I saw in the mirror, how my body looked. But my mindset has changed. I want to be healthy from the inside out. I want stronger bones and muscles. I want my body to not be prone to sickness but strong to fight off things. Thinking about my body as a car has helped. For much of my life, this car has been running on Kool-aid. More posts to come on this crazy healthy, hippie journey I have been on.

Whoa tangent- back to schedule. So I came up with this ideal schedule, what I thought would be a sweet schedule to help me accomplish my goals spiritually, physically and everything else. But a wrench has been thrown in the mix. Isaiah has been getting up at 5:00am. I am not so bummed about missing out on sleep but missing out on that time I had planned for me. I have been in denial- like he will grow out of it. But it is possible he may be a morning person forever so I need to come up with plan B. I cannot waste time waiting but instead embrace plan B and maybe he will sleep more later.

My ideal schedule had me getting up at 5:00am. I know totally crazy-never I thought I would be one of those crazy people but I see the benefits of the discipline. My hopes were to do SOAP, pray and exercise in those 2 hours- hoping he would sleep til 7. So with him getting up early it forces me even more to be better at time management because now I have to find ways to work those things in during the day. So goal now is to do it during naptime. But that means I need to get housework done before then so I am not doing it during naptime. I may try running before dinner when Jeremy is around. We shall see how this works.

Trying to Find Balance in my Chaos-Part 2

2011-10-16T21:46:00.000-04:00

I am trying to find balance in my life. I want more peace and less chaos. So some things I am doing:

*Limit time suckers: #1 time sucker-Facebook. I cannot tell you how many times I got on there and 30 minutes later I am like "why did I get on there." It is like a GIANT time vacuum that consumes my time. Seriously checking out pictures from high school classmate-useful of my time? So I am trying to be purposeful while on there not just browsing. I am trying to limit how often I check email as well. Seriously, nothing is so urgent. No text, no email, no message....

*Unplug weekly: For me, (I just decided this yesterday) that means Friday 5:00p.m to Saturday 5:00p.m. That is the time our family tries to take time to rest and honor the Sabbath. Unplug for me is completely turning off my cell phone, not checking facebook or email. I did not fully succeed this week but it was an improvement. It felt really good and freeing to do so. It gave me more brain power to think and focus on other things. And on Sabbath, day of rest, I want to focus more on God, the gifts He has given me, His creation and my family

*Setting a schedule: Someone had shared with us to divide our week into 21 zones, 7 days with 3 zones(blocks of time)- morning, afternoon and evening. They said in order to avoid burnout, depression and other not so good things- we need to have 7 zones off and 3 of them being all on the same day. Of course as a parent I am on 24/7 most times but off in other ways. Time off in a zone being no meetings, not working at the job- just being and enjoying life. So for us that is really honoring 24 hours of rest and keeping a few evenings a week free of meetings and work stuff. More to come on schedule stuff I am working on.

Trying to Find Balance in my Chaos-Part 1

2011-10-15T21:30:00.004-04:00

Being a wife, church planter's wife, stay at home mom of 3, sister, friend, teacher, ......(list goes on) is hard stuff. I am trying to find ways to be a better steward of my time, time that feels like is constantly slipping through my hands. But we probably all feel that way- we never have enough time. Well I know that I am not going to magically get 30 hours in my day so I need to best work with what God has given me. This pursuit of trying to better manage my time really started when I became a mom and intensified with each child. Many days I feel like I am accomplishing so little but just taking care of the immediate, putting out fires. But there is so much I want to be and so much I want to do that I do not want to fizzle my time away. Part 2 I will list how I am trying to best manage the time He has given me

Unplugged

2011-10-08T21:58:00.002-04:00

Today I really tried to unplug because of what I learned about taking a day off once a week. This weekend I learned some good stuff about Sabbath, fancy word for day of rest. The pastor had said that God commands we honor the Sabbath and to rest, it is one of the ten commandments. But we so often take it as optional and not really serious. My attitude is not as casual with other commandments, ex: like i will try not to murder or steal today but i cannot make any promises. His commandments are not meant to be a joykill but to save us from killing our joy. God knows my tendency is to work, work, work and rarely sit and rest. He knows my soul needs renewal and refreshment. But how can I ever receive those things if I go and go and go? How can my soul experience peace if I never unplug all the noise that continually interrupts my life? Technology is awesome(I am the first to admit i love my iphone even though i thought i totally would never need or want one) but I need a break from it. So on Saturdays which is the day we choose to take Sabbath rest I am trying very hard to rest and unplug. Today I actually powered off on my phone, checked email less(my goal is to ditch the computer completely for 24 hours- friday dinner to Saturday dinner). I like getting email and texts but think how often those things interrupt us. I try to imagine it like a phone call. If my house phone rang everytime I received a text or email- I might go crazy. but i respond to the text beep/email beep the same as I do if my phone rang. I run to it like it cannot wait. It often controls me more than I exhibit control over it- even turning it fully off was not easy. lame, i know.

The pastor recommended a book called The Rest of God, it is totally on my list of books to read. The author defines Sabbath as a break from the normal. On Sabbath -embrace what gives you life and restores you.

Things that do NOT restore me:

* cleaning my house

* clearing out my inbox

* looking at my planner/calendar

* working on my To Do list

* any household chores(laundry, dishes, toy pick-up, etc....)

* checking my Facebook

* grocery shopping with kids

* grocery shopping at all

* running errands

Things that RESTORE me:

* time with my hubby and kids

* enjoying God's creation

* quiet, still mornings

* good food

* time with friends and family

* worship music

* scrapbooking

* making gifts

* buying gifts

* shopping without kids(treasure hunting at the thrift store is much harder with 3 other voices)

* S.O.A.P

* sitting down with my prayer journal in a quiet space

* exercise

* NAPS

* journaling- getting all my thoughts out of my head and onto my blog

I am fighting to protect our day of rest. Many times the busyness of life crowds in but then I try again the next week. If I let too weeks pass I begin to feel weary and worn down. My souls renewal is worth it. My kids needs to see it modeled because I want them to develop the habit and discipline of weekly rest. I want them to experience God's goodness in resting, His idea.

Book Review: Cast of Characters

2011-10-03T21:39:00.002-04:00

I usually really enjoy Max Lucado's books but I did not really care for this one. This is not one I will keep and reread and that is a good test for me if I really like it. There were good nuggets here and there but just not overall exciting. It was hard to keep my attention and took me a long time to finish. The title caught my attention but not the content so much. The premise is a great idea- that God uses unlikely characters to do amazing things. So each chapter is about a Bible character that God uses to do great things. So in that aspect it was encouraging to feel like God could use even me to accomplish great things for his kingdom. So each chapter was about common people that God did cool things through. Many of them were normal but then some seemed very unlikely that God could take their lives and turn it around and totally transform them. It was a good reminder that we serve a mighty could that can transform all the ugly parts of my life and make something beautiful out of it. Also a good reminder to keep praying and not give up on the people who seem so far from God and want nothing to do with him. No one is too far from him, God can transform anyone. He can give hope to anyone and give their life purpose, meaning, hope and joy.

*Book Sneeze sent me a free copy of this book for my honest review

Good-bye clutter, i will not miss you

2011-09-05T21:22:00.003-04:00

The other day i was visiting with a friend for a playdate. Her kids' bedrooms were so clean and peaceful. It was pretty much just their bed and maybe a couple more items(bookshelf, basket,...). The toys were neatly stored in the closet, not too many, not too little. There is no way i would be able to fit all my kids toys in a closet. Every empty wall space along my kids walls are covered with a tub, basket, toybox, or something holding overflowing toys. I loved the peaceful simplicity of my friend's home. Totally not how i often feel in my home with endless piles of papers and toys coming out my ears. Seriously why does it seem like i am helping them clean their room daily, and not just a quick five minute cleanup but like an hour ordeal.

The realization that something had to change was the day we got the kids carpet cleaned. I had forgot that the carpet guy was going to be here at 10. It was 9 and i was panicking cause their room was a train wreck as normal. So I began just putting toys(that were on the floor) in laundry baskets and then stashing them in my bedroom. I moved everything out of their room except the beds and dressers so they could clean. My bedroom was so cluttered with their junk. I found myself asking, "How did this happen? Why do they have so much?" I have really tried to not spoil my kids but keep things simple. Like for Christmas they received their stocking and 2 gifts from us. They are very blessed and receive gifts from many people. So i guess i took comfort in knowing this was not all my fault. =) I have always strived to have my kids be more of a giver than a consumer. But i decided something needs to change. So I went through the toys and we cleared out 3 tubs of clothes and toys!! Much of it i did not ask for their permission. I knew what they played with regularly and what never gets touched. An incentive for Hannah or Joy not to pull things items back out of these get-rid of bins, they are going to have a yard sale in 2 weeks. I usually donate it but Hannah is super excited to have a yard sale and is even having a competition with neighbor kids on who can sell the most stuff.

Some things I hope to do to limit the amount of stuff in our home:

1. Enforce the in and out rule. Ex: If you receive 7 toys for your birthday then you must find 7 toys that you want to give away in order to make room for new ones. Same concept with clothes. I want to do this with all of us. I do this with my clothes. I no longer want to buy more hangers. If i need a hanger for a new shirt then i am going to have to donate one to make room.

2. Try to limit what comes into the house. Once a toy reaches their hands it is like an emotional attachment then and there. Even if they have not played with it in months, "But mommy i love ......". I have been to birthday parties where they ask for no presents, sounds good because I know best what they would like. But instead let guests bring a book to donate to hospital or something like that if we did gifts at all. Of course we would still give them a few parent birthday gifts but not over do it.

3. Continually purge. I am always on the look out for stuff we just do not use or play with.

This recent clean sweep of their room has been awesome. Their room is more restful and actually fun to be in because it is not crowded with junk. Hannah even said, "I love my new room. It feels more like home." Jeremy jokingly said(but truth to it), "This brings some peace to my chaotic life. It is like all is well. " =) Those comments are great motivators to keep working on de-cluttering my home and keeping it that way.

Dying to Self, one of my favorite poems

2011-09-03T22:36:00.002-04:00

I found it again on Rock Harbor's website:

A friend of mine passed me this poem on a creased and wrinkled piece of paper about 15 years ago. I tucked it into my Bible at the time, and have come back to it many times over the years to be reminded of how easy it is to slip back into a life dominated by selfishness and discontent. I hope that it is an encouragement to you, and that you in turn will pass it on to others. Print it out, slip it into your Bible, and just watch what happens…- Darin McWatters

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don’t sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ…that is dying to self.

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take all in patient, loving silence…that is dying to self.

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility- and endure it as Jesus endured…that is dying to self.

When you are content with any food, any offering, and climate, any society, any raiment, any interruption by the will of God…that is dying to self.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown…that is dying to self.

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances…that is dying to self.

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart…that is dying to self

Are you dead yet? In these last days, the Spirit would bring us to the cross.

“I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,” Philippians 3:10

Part 2 to A Terrible, Horrible Very Bad Day

2011-08-31T21:55:00.003-04:00

This is the follow up to sunday where i wanted to crawl in a hole. Next morning felt 100 times better without the funk. Couple things helped in that(of course Jeremy praying for me): a poem i rediscovered from my high school days(will post later) , a book I am reading which i share about later as well and reading my Bible.

Tonight after all the munkins were in bed I had some time to myself. I typically turn on the TV to veg or sometimes read from a book. But tonight i thought i would read my Bible. Honestly that typically does not cross my mind at this hour. When i do read my Bible it is usually in the morning or during naptime(notice it is when kids are sleeping and it is quiet :). In the past my Bible reading was something i saw as something to check off my list. I guess like the good spiritual thing to do. I always knew it was good for me to read my Bible but always found other things to occupy my time or made up excuses(too tired). So it did not get read as much as i would like. but since starting this new method, S. O.A. P- i love reading my Bible. Wow that probably sounds really bad from someone who has been a Christian for almost 20 years(seriously that makes me sound old) and a pastor's wife. Do not get me wrong, the Bible has transformed me in many ways. I love to find verses that i can write out and share and memorize. but the discipline of regularly reading my Bible has never come easy. Often i would feel lost, where do i start?.....Or i would start the read the Bible in a year program thingee and poop out in March. But after starting this method, I am eager to see what God has for me. Tonight I was like (this is the dialogue in my head :) "God what do you have for me today. I know you have something just for me because each time I pick up your Word it as though you speak straight to my heart). And He did it again! Totally perfect for where I am at. Perhaps He speaks because i am eagerly listening and approach reading with expectation of him speaking to my heart. So here is my S.O.A.P for today:

S.- the scripture is 2 Corinthians 5:16,"Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

O.- my observation- Paul the author is encouraging believers to keep pressing on

A. -my application-Yet again God is speaking directly to my heart. It is easy to lose heart and want to quit but I am encouraged not to lose heart. I was really losing heart on Sunday. The commentary in my Bible(so let me just say - i love the commentary cause sometimes i need anothers insight into what a verse means) said,"Don't let fatigue, pain or criticism force you off the job." Fatigue really almost got the best of me. I have really missed being in church, like i am at church but not in the service experiencing our music and the message. I have been feeling super burnt out because i have been serving almost every week in toddlers or babies for months. So i was encouraged to not lose heart.

I was reminded to see things with an eternal perspective. To remember why i serve. i teach the kids so that parents can be in service and be blessed. So that their parents can experience the living Jesus and they can be totally transformed and experience the love, joy, strength, peace, joy that Jesus gives. I also serve so the kids can learn about Jesus. God willing i will have decades to be in the actual church service but this is only a season until God sends us more people who have the heart to serve. And then when I think about all the stuff I have been upset about- it is nothing compared to what Paul(author of this letter in the Bible) and many Christians around the world today suffer through because of their faith. My situation is in no way suffering. I am fussing about missing church service. There are countless Christians worldwide that risk imprisonment and death if they are caught going to the underground church services. For them faith in Jesus is illegal in their country. I have no room to gripe. I have the freedom to worship the Lord, freedom to own a Bible in my language, freedom to read it whenever I like, freedom to teach my kids about Jesus, freedom to go to church, freedom to share my faith with others, freedom to meet together with other believers and so many more freedoms.

P.-my prayer: Thank you Jesus for giving me perspective. When i see things in an eternal perspective or in view of true suffering it helps me to not lose heart. What a complete turn around from Sunday with my bitter, crappy mood/attitude(believing the lies of Satan of self-pity, feeling owed and wronged....) to tonight- a heart of gratitude for all the freedoms I have and seeing serving as an opportunity. Thank you Jesus for transforming my hard heart. Thank you for renewing my heart daily. Thank you for not leaving me in my sin but always moving me to new things and changing me because i do not want to stay who i am.

Contagious Attitude

2011-08-29T23:30:00.004-04:00

I was thinking about my bad day on Sunday. One of my kids that day also had a rotten attitude. I realized she probably picked up on my stinky attitude. My shortness, grumpy tone, etc. rubbed off on her. i once read that moms are like the thermostat of the home, we set the temperature, mood of our homes. you know like that saying,"if mama ain't happy, nobody is happy". So if am angry today, my kids will probably reflect that. Or if I am impatient, they too will be impatient. What a challenge to behave in such a way that i would want my kids to reflect. Often the behaviors i want to change in them are behaviors that they have learned from me(and i want to change in myself) and it is must harder to correct these behaviors than to just have modeled right behavior in the first place. being a mom is such a crazy learning process. By far the hardest job i have ever had. but also a job that daily challenges me to grow and be changed. God is definitely using my kids to teach me lots.

Crawl in a Hole

2011-08-29T22:48:00.003-04:00

I totally just wanted to just crawl in a hole yesterday. Today during naptime I picked up my Bible to do my daily reading. Man, lately ever time I have taken time to try out this new Bible reading method, S.O.A.P, I have really been encouraged. God uses a verse to speak directly to my heart. So here is my SOAP journal entry today.

S- the scripture was Psalms 43:5- "Why are you downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for i will yet praise him, my savior and my God."

O- My observation: the author David was human just like us. David was bummed often.

A-(application) This was so me yesterday. I was just in a funky mood that I could not shake. I just had a serious chip on my shoulder. It started after lunch. I couldnt really explain it just felt crappy. I was not sure if it was spiritual. 9:15p.m- I had enough, crying several times through out my day(of course no one knowing- slipping into the bathroom to do it). I was mad, bitter at things that i thought i resolved in my heart. It was just odd, hard to explain because i have so much to celebrate and be thankful for but just in a sucky mood. So teary eyed i plopped down on the couch and asked Jeremy to pray for me. That was exactly what i needed. It was as though a weight lifted. So glad i came to a place of asking for prayer and a shoulder to cry on. I had already allowed pride/bad attitude to keep it in all day which made it worse cause i could just stew in these negative emotions. But i had enough and did not want to go to bed like this or start another day with this funk. There was just such a battle within me with negative thoughts. Last night i was reminded of the continual spiritual battle that is going on all around us-good and evil, a war for our souls. We have an enemy of our souls, Satan, who will work to bring about our demise. Looking back I wish i would have prayed or asked for prayer sooner. Instead i let the negative thoughts(often i believe Satan or his demons whisper negative thoughts to us) get the best of me-impacting my actions all day. I allowed myself to believe the lies of self-pity, bitterness, etc... I have heard that the book called Battlefield of the Mind is good, especially for us ladies who deal with destructive thoughts. so i borrowing it soon from a friend.

P- (prayer). God thank you for lifting the heaviness off of me that i was feeling. Help me to recognize the need for prayer in my life in addressing these things. Thank you for hearing my prayers and answering when i call out to you.

Hope from my Bible

2011-08-18T15:06:00.004-04:00

For years and years I have desired to read my Bible more. It is God's written word to us. It gives me guidance on how to live, gives me hope, gives me inspiration and challenges me. Each New Years i usually resolve to read it more. This year i said i wanted to read it cover to cover(i have tried to do this many times but never succeeded). I found this cool tool, www.oneyearbibleonline.com, that tells you what to read each day in order to read it completely. I found it was becoming just something i needed to check off my list. I was not reading it for life change or transformation. Sometimes my goals can paralyse me because i want to do it perfectly if i do do it. After weeks of not doing it i gave up and said, "maybe i can do it next year." Jeremy had finished reading The Divine Mentor by Wayne Cordeiro and he said i would really like it. It has inspired me to pick up my Bible again and start regularly reading it again. It is a whole book on how to read the Bible and how to let it give you life. Jesus is described as the bread of life and the author talks about getting fresh bread each day. One cannot live on a monthly meal, which is often how little i read my Bible.

There are many ways but his way is called S.O.A. P. All you need is a Bible, pen, reading guide and journal. So I look at the one year Bible reading guide and read the selected passages for that given date. I ask God to give me a verse that i can dwell on all day and grow from. S-stands for scripture(read the given scripture and pick one verse). O- stands for observation, what are some observations i see. A- stands for application, how can i apply this truth. P- stands for prayer, write out a prayer. Some days are harder than others- like nothing jumps out at me. But not today, something jumped and i got so much from it. I will share in my next blog post. I know for me it has been helpful to read Cordeiro's excerpts from his journal.

Back to School Bargains!!!

2011-08-17T22:21:00.004-04:00

I took the kids to the thrift store for Hannah and Julie's back to school clothes shopping. i scored big time on the loot we brought home. Let me tell you the smokin deal we got.

Hannah:

- brand new dress with $12.98 tag still on it

-Gymboree winter pajamas(i dont care about my kids wearing name brand but they do last longer

-2 hoodies

-jean jacket(that i tried to talk her out of but she likes it)

-warm up jacket

-pair of shorts

-snow boots(i know it is summer but she needs them and only 1.99)

-1 shirt

Julie:

- 2 hoodies

-1 skirt

-6 shirts

-black Ug like boots

Joy: (I know i was shopping for hannah and julie but couldn't pass these deals up)

-1 hoodie

-spongebob PJ top

-sweet Fisher Price riding car toy thing

Isaiah:

-pair of jeans

-cargo pants

-sweat pants

-1 hoodie

-2 long sleeve shirts

Me: (of course i wanted a treasure too)

-1 hoodie

-1 shirt

Every trip to thrift store ends with a visit to the toy section and they pick some inexpensive toy. our misc. treasures include a sweet vintage toy cashier register that i played with as a kid, troll doll, jewlery box, stuffed bunny and rugrats doll. So the total for 35 items was $75.15. But i had filled up my frequent shoppers card which gave me 20% off my whole order. So my grand total was $64.18!!! Thrift store shopping is the only way to go. love it!

So Good to Be Home in NC

2011-07-10T14:50:00.003-04:00

We had a wonderful trip in CA but it felt so good to be back in Durham. Being in Yucaipa was so familiar and foreign at the same time. I lived there 15 years and jeremy lived there 31 years so the restaurants, streets and people were so familiar. When living there I never thought I would live anywhere else. But now living somewhere else I cannot imagine living there again. Durham has become our home after only being here 3 years but we felt that way after only months. Probably because God has big plans for us here. When we pulled up 2:30a.m at our Durham house it felt so good to be here. We missed this city, all the green, our friends/family and our church. Good to be home.

Our Yucaipa Kids

2011-07-10T14:32:00.004-04:00

We just got back from taking a trip to CA. While there, one of our former youth group students was hosting a party. There was probably 100 college kids there. There was lots of root beer and dancing and hair cutting. It was so cool to see that many kids together just having good healthy fun. Nobody being foolish - just an awesome time of hanging out. We knew about 30 of the kids from our youth group. It was such a wonderful time to catch up with our kids. We have so many wonderful memories with our youth group. We spent a decade pouring our lives into these students. I left the party so overjoyed. It was so good to hear their stories of walking with Jesus. A group of them were leaving for Yosemite the next day for a camping trip. While there, they plan to baptize one of their buddies that they led to the Lord!!! Seriously?? Wow, I pray that my own kids one day will be walking so closely with the Lord and that they will have such solid amazing friends to do life with. 3 John 4 says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth." What joy Jeremy and I felt to see these kids (and many more that were not there) still seeking Jesus.

My Husband, an awesome dad

2011-06-18T16:43:00.002-04:00

This Father's Day I wanted to think of a word for each kid that described their daddy. Hannah was the only one old enough to understand my inquiry,"Tell me one word that describes daddy." She said "generous, I have seen him do it(be generous). Because he wants to help Connie get lots of stuff for her new house." (Connie is a single mom of 2 kids in our church. And our amazing church body was able to round up and provide for almost all her needs to fill her new home.) His heart is to be ridiculously generous and we are both striving towards that. I love that our 7 year old sees his example of giving.

The one word that Joy uses continually for Jeremy is silly. She always says," Daddy, you are so silly." One time she told me,"Jesus made you beautiful and He made Daddy, silly." I love that Jeremy is silly to his kids. It shows his playful side. It displays his gentleness and that my kids feel safe around him and can laugh. I know kids(and adults) who live in fear of their dads because of their tempers and rough personality.

Isaiah's one word that he actually says whenever Jeremy walks in the room is ball(actually la,la which we know he is talking about ball). So Isaiah associates daddy with playing his most favorite pastime and toy. The kid is obsessed with balls. I love that Jeremy will drop whatever he is doing to play ball with him.

Now it is my turn to share my top 3 words for my husband, the father of my children.

FAITHFUL- In a world where many dads abandon their responsibility of fathering, he has remained faithful and committed to me and our kids.

OBEDIENT- I thank God for his obedience to God. This is the one thing I wanted one day for the father of my children. I prayed for a man who followed after Jesus. His obedience is lived out daily: in his intergrity, honesty, compassion, kindness, gentleness, grace, and so many more ways.

INTENTIONAL-Jeremy is an intentional dad who continually invests in his kids. He is intentional about planning daddy dates with our girls and will one day with Isaiah. He seeks to love our kids the ways they like to be loved by knowing and communicating through their love languages. He seeks ways to be a better dad by reading parenting books, articles, and blogs. The best way that he is intentional in being a good dad is his pursuit after their mom's heart. He continues to pursue me and strengthen our marriage. The best gift you can ever give your child is a strong, healthy marriage.

Thank you Jesus for Jeremy.

Spring is Here!

2011-04-13T20:22:00.003-04:00

I do not remember welcoming seasons so much in CA, probably because they did not really exist. Anyways i am loving spring minus itchy nose and yellow pollen coating every surface of my home. but the shades of green here are amazing. Jeremy and i went to Duke Gardens with a Chipotle picnic and the tulips were awesome. The older i get the more i like this nature stuff. Perhaps my wonder and awe of God is growing. I love the cool mornings and cool evenings. and the breezes are great. Two days ago i went for a run(also a new thing i like to sorta do since moving here) and while running through the forest i had to stop, sit and pray. I was so glad no one passed through while i was there because it was such a special God moment, praying for many I love. I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Beautiful, by Gungor. The lyrics are:

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Making me new

I had been praying for a few special people in my life who i believe are in the process of God doing mighty things in their life. I see God taking their life and turning it into this beautiful garden but the only thing is that they do not see or believe it yet. one friend is attempting to flee an abusive relationship with her kids. i know she sees this life as this old ground but i see a lush garden with her and her kids being raised up to mighty oaks of righteousness. right now they are dry almost withered away plants but God has a new story to tell. her story is one of a handful that i am praying for. my prayer is that they see what i see. i believe God helps me to see what He sees is true of people and then my role is to share that truth with them until they see and believe and accomplish what God has for them. Jesus, i pray they see themselves and their situation the way you do. that they would be full of hope of the story You are writing in them if they allow you to cultivate the potential garden that is within them.

Camping Family Fun Night

2011-03-10T18:30:00.009-05:00

I have been trying to think outside our usual family fun box of pizza, movie and ice cream. I thought about camping and then hannah had a dream about camping which ignited her desire to camp. We took her as a baby and that was it so we hope to take her this spring. But until then we decided to do it indoors. Jeremy set up the tent in the girls bedroom. He also bought a crickets sound from itunes to loop and listen to for the real effect. We ate grilled hot dogs and doritos. While the kids took a bath, Jeremy lit a fire, turned off all the lights downstairs for camping atmosphere, and prepped a tray of smore goodies. The girls loved roasting marshmellows. They went to sleep to the relaxing noise of crickets. I have always loved planning themed birthday parties. I think i have now found a new passion, themed family fun nights.

Christmas Tree

2010-12-23T17:34:00.003-05:00

Our tree is one of my favorite holiday things. Jeremy has to have a fresh one too, something about tradition. =) i like the smell of it too but it does not last long. Our tree is like an outlet for me to be creative. it is kinda like a living scrapbook. i love to make ornaments out of little frames that capture our family for the year or a special event. Like this year I made one of Hannah missing her two front teeth plus the family pic. It is fun to look back at the older pictures. I am such a sucker for meaningful ornaments. I love to make them and find perfect ones for others. But I am sure others are not as crazy about them as I am. I think my all time favorite tradition comes from his mom. She would buy Jeremy an ornament each year that symbolizes something significant for that year. This is a tradition I continue on with my kids. Like this year I bought Joy a dress ornament because I could not get her to wear much else. And for Hannah I bought a cute beaver ornament that sings,"all i want for Christmas is my two front teeth". Our Christmas tree tells our story and i LOVE that.

Hundred Dollar Holiday

2010-12-20T19:36:00.003-05:00

The subtitle of this book is the case for a more joyful Christmas. i have thought about this alot since we joined the Advent Conspiracy movement. I found this book at the library. This was a super quick read, like only 95 pages. i really recommend it. i jotted down some of the things that stood out to me. here they are randomly:

The point is to emerge from Christmas relaxed, contented, happy to have kept this season. To emerge closer to your family than you when Advent began. To emerge with some real sense that Christ has come into your world.

Books mentioned in it: Christmas in America, The Battle for Christmas, To Dance with God:Family Ritual and Community Celebration

There's no uncorrupted celebration from some distant and pure time in the past that we can simply return to. Christmas has always been a concoction.

We have so much stuff that a pile of presents is no longer exciting, no longer novel. When you have a lot of stuff, getting more of it is less exciting than when you have very little.

What can excite us is the prospect of peace and quiet. The prospect of a lull, an interlude. Stillness scares us(that's why the TV goes on when we walk in the hotel room) but it attracts us, too. If there's one thing we'd like form Christmas, I think, it's a little of that "season of peace".

Once, working on a book, I watched every minute of TV that came across the hundred channels of what was then the world's largest cable system on a single day. Those 2,400 hours of videotape yielded many insights, but if you distilled them down to a single idea, it would be this: You are the center of the world. You are the most important thing on earth.

That notion, so central to a consumer society, is anathema to a religious one. Living a life of faith means, more than anything, putting something other than yourself at the center of life.

So the point is not to stop giving: the point is to give things that matter. Give things that are rare-time, attention, memory, whimsy.

Ideas: plate with cartoon on it to highlight year, make own wooden blocks, make favorite treats, kids love sneaking out at night to drop off box of brownies on a door stop, candle lit eve dinner,

Boundaries

2010-11-24T19:44:00.007-05:00

I am learning that boundaries are good and i need more of them. I need boundaries especially in the world of communication/facebook/texting/email.... Do you ever feel slave to these things, like you feel compelled to check them and to respond promptly? In a way i miss the days of coming home and checking your answering machine. You could be out with your family and not be able to be reached. I don't know about you but i run to answer my cell phone or if i hear the text noise i go to it immediately unless changing a diaper or something. why is that? most the time is it so important that it cannot wait? There is the wonderful blessing to be able to contact others immediately and wherever you are if an emergency occurred. Like the other day i was so thankful that i was able to call jeremy and tell him i was driving to urgent care because i thought i was dying but really it was just a kidney stone. So for that very reason I will still keep my phone on me and turned on most of the time. But one way i am going to set healthy boundaries for myself is turning it to silent during date night, family outtings, or just our evenings with the kids and resist the crazy urge to check it if i hear it humming in my purse. I want to be fully present with my family. I do not want them to feel like they only have some of me. how many times have i been apart of a texting conversation as well as a real conversation with my kids? i may just be an old fart but it is so annoying to me when i am meeting with someone and talking with them while they carry on a text conversation. And believe me i have been equally guilty of this. but i do not want to be. i want to be different. i want others to know that they are worth my time and are special to me. for me, i feel like i am having to compete for their attention and i do not want others to feel the same. so i am working on this and have a long way to go but glad i am trying to put boundaries into place now. hopefully this will set a precedent for when my kids get phones. because it will drive me batty if they are more present with their cell phones than with me.

Chill at Home (FFN)

2010-10-09T23:25:00.005-04:00

we made pizza, our own homemade dough from a recipe on Weelicious. We also made dark chocolate cupcakes from Weelicious.com as well. Hannah really wanted to decorate the house for fall so we got out the fall tub from the garage and spruced up the home. We then finished the night with lots of steamroller. The girls love jumping over daddy as he rolls across the living room floor. But too much steam roller is a bad thing. Jeremy found that out cause for the next couple of hours he has nauseated and dizzy. i love our friday family fun night tradition.

Thrift Store Treasures #2

2010-10-09T22:54:00.003-04:00

i love Goodwill. jeremy was scarred by it so not a big fan of it. one time i encouraged him to look there for shirts. he found one he liked but in the pocket was a big gooey mushy hunk of chewing tobacco all squished and oozing through the fabric. last time he shopped there. anyways, went shopping for my bday. wanted to spend no more than $50 and walked out spending $52.83 on 17 items!!! most of the stuff was name brands. name brands mean nothing to mean but it just makes the treasure find even better cause i can get great clothes for next to nothing instead of paying an insane amount for them. Here is a picture and list of what i got:

Old Navy jeans $3.39
Levis $3.39
Old Navy men's zip up $4.59
The Limited slacks $3.39
Forever Twenty One pants$ 3.39
Banana Republic skirt $ 3.39
Express shirt $3.39
Tommy Hilfiger blouse $ 3.39
Express cami $ 2.59
Forever twenty one shirt $3.39
shirt $2.59
comfy pj pants $2.59
black heels $2.29
tennies for joy $2.29
3 belts $1.39 each

Thrift Store Treasures #1

2010-10-09T22:50:00.004-04:00

Often times when i need something i will check the thrift store or dollar tree first. i know target or walmart will have the things but i am not made of mula. so i was in need of post prego clothes and i always want the best deal. thrift store shopping and yard sales are truly like treasure hunting for me. i needed curtains for Isaiah's room and was hoping to find some fabric. i found actuallly the color and amount i needed for 5o cents! also got the curtain rods there too. I also got 3 skirts, 1 pair of shorts, and a shirt.

I'm Loaded!!

2010-10-05T13:39:00.003-04:00

This is something that i like to remind myself often to keep my heart in check. of course not loaded by American standards but definitely worldwide. An interesting thing to do is to go to http://www.globalrichlist.com/

and find out where you rank in terms of wealth in the world. it will blow your mind. i know i could not fathom that we are apart of the top 1% wealthiest people in the world. it shocked me because money is so tight, tightest it has been in our 11 years of marriage. We are down to one vehicle(only 8% of the world's population even owns a car) and live many months paycheck to paycheck anticipating how God will provide for our needs. So when my heart begins to long for unnecessary things i like to remind myself how loaded i am and how much i already have. The basics were take for granted are not basics for much of the world. As Americans we have such a warped view of wealth, constantly wanting more and believing the lie that what we have is not good enough or shiny enough. One of my favorite quotations comes from a book that i pray changes my life and the way i view life. "If you don't feel rich, it's because you are comparing yourself to people who have more than you do- those living above even the 99th percentile of global wealth. It's also because we tend to gauge whether or not we are wealthy based on the things we don't have. " from The Hole in Our Gospel. I want to be able to say with Paul in Phillipians 4:11-12, " I am not saying this because I am in need, for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I have asked the Lord, " this time of little money is just a season, right??" Not because i want to buy more stuff but i want to have money to vacation, take trips and make memories. my wise mother in law pointed out that it could be a long season. my human heart so wants it to be a short one. but who is to say it is a season. The Lord could have it be this way for the rest of our lives. and then so i need to ask myself, i am okay with that? i want to be content with what i have. and i feel like i am getting closer. =) I feel like i have learned so much during this season. I have gained such a different perspective. I would not trade this time for anything because i have learned so much.

WHAT I HAVE GAINED(LEARNED) FROM THIS SEASON OF LESS MONEY:

my happiness is not measured by my bank account
i don't need as much as i think
the more i shop the more i accumulate(it used to be a habit to just walk the aisles of biglots or 99 cents store, my favorite stores ever, looking for good deals, things i thought i needed. it was easy to drop 50 bucks on stuff. i don't do this anymore, not because i am so self controlled but because it is silly to shop without money. but i hope i shop less when i do have more expendable money.
the more i shop the more my heart longs for things. this is true for my kids too. so avoid shopping with them, even grocery shopping. it is good to shop less
friday family fun nights are now a tradition and they don't need to cost a lot. our kids just want our attention and love
learned to be more resourceful and creative. i needed curtains to darken Isaiah's room so i went to the thrift store to look for fabric. i am not a seamstress at all. but i found this sticky tape to iron a hem. i found perfect fabric and curtain rods.
we waste a lot less food. i try to use stuff up in fridge and cupboards before shopping. lots more leftovers too
trying more to develop a heart of thanks in my kids and myself. regularly talk about what we are thankful for
letting my kids know that many kids don't have the basics like we do(clean water, shoes, clothes, heating, air conditioning, floors in their home, walls and a roof, food to eat every day, and to eat several times a day, doctor/medical, warm water to bathe, toys, books, schooling, freedom to learn about Jesus and to worship him, our own copy of the Bible, and so much more)
i really want to continue to simplify and keep giving away and have less. I want the next time we move to have a smaller moving truck

Breakfast at the Lake

2010-09-30T21:35:00.002-04:00

Last Thursday when i was leaving to walk to the lake hannah wanted to come. i told her that i really need this time to myself but that we would walk to the lake together the next day. so the next morning i woke her up and walked to the lake. i packed a soft cooler with mini chocolate doughnuts and sippie cups with milk and 2 straws. her eyes lit up when i pulled out the doughnuts. those were really a treat since i never buy those. but life is too short to totally eliminate delicious junk food. it was awesome sitting on the bench with the cool morning breeze. i told her how i like to come to the lake to pray and often thank God for all i have. so we took turns saying what we are thankful for. after several she asked, "Is this game almost over?" That golden, special moment ended with her just being a kid. =) she then asked if you could play tag at the playground. and then said only if she wanted us to both puke cause of all the milk and doughnuts we had. so skipped that idea. my one on one hannah times are too few and want to have more mommy and daughter dates. another reason mornings are awesome

Mornings, mom's best kept secret

2010-09-30T21:29:00.002-04:00

Seriously mornings are awesome. I cannot believe i am saying that. I have always prided myself in not being a morning person. Don't get me wrong, i still love to sleep in(like on my sleep-in day when jeremy takes over with the kiddos). But who knew how wonderful early mornings are. I love getting out when it is cool, quiet and peaceful. Mornings are best when outdoors for me. Being outside i enjoy his creation so much. i feel like i have been missing out my whole life. =) i have only going once a week to the lake. But that one day is so good for my soul. mornings are not just moms best kept secret but really anyones. So refreshing!! This is a discipline i want to continue and increase. Just tricky with kids and balancing mine and jeremy's schedules.

Bowling(FFFN)

2010-08-31T22:04:00.003-04:00

this Friday family fun night we went bowling. The alley has this deal in the summer. Kids get to bowl free. sounded like a good deal but we still had to pay for shoes. so it costed us 10 instead lots more. =) Hannah enjoyed it more than Joy. Joy only lasted a few rounds.

Friday Family Fun Night

2010-08-31T21:20:00.005-04:00

I got this idea from another blogger, Whittaker Woman. But hers are way more creative and clever. We started this tradition shortly after we moved here. One of the best decisions for our family. Our family has gotten so close. We are the happiest we have ever been even though our bank account is the smallest it has ever been. Just another argument that money does not buy happiness and you dont need lots of it to have fun. So Friday is sacred family time and usually dont let anything else come before it. Our typical time involves frozen pizza, movie, popcorn and ice cream. Our kids love fridays even though it is so simple. For a few weeks Joy would ask each morning, "Is tonight family fun night?" And she is bummed when we tell her no. This Friday we rolled out some butcher paper and decided to draw some things we want to this summer. Then we decided to hang it up in the living room to remind us what we want to do. It worked great. We were able to do it all.

Silence and Solitude

2010-07-29T12:42:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago our Bible study group was learning about peace and how to cultivate that in our lives. A key factor in doing so is regularly practicing the spiritual disciplines of silence and solitude. One question asked how peaceful is your life right now? My soul is at rest cause i security in knowing where i will be when i die, with Jesus. but the day to day, can be chaos. I began to recognize that the only time I am experiencing silence and solitude is when i am asleep. And not even that is uninterrupted. =) Thanks to that week's study i am now trying again to make these disciplines apart of my life. But like any discipline(eating right, exercise, study...) it actually takes work and effort and will not happen on its own. An old adage that stuck with me was, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." So true. Like i had to right it in my planner to get up early today to be alone. and even then, jeremy had to remind me. But like all disciplines, it is so worth it even though it may be hard to take the first step. As i write isaiah is now up from his nap crying. will complete later. =) days later, i am back. anyways, my alone time was awesome. i walked to our community lake and just sat. on the way there my mind was going like crazy, thinking and praying but when i got there i tried to just be still and quiet. sometimes i just need to zip it. It was so peaceful. There were no demands of me. i was not cleaning, not wiping butts, not making meals, not texting, not on the phone, not checking facebook, not worrying about money, not nothing. these times are so wonderful for my soul but i dont make them a priority. i am trying. i hope to do this again next week. good luck in your attempts to gain peace in your life and as you seek the Prince of Peace. i would love to hear how it goes for you

God's Provision

2010-07-15T23:25:00.003-04:00

I have been blown away lately on the abundance of blessings we have received. God has provided for us through the radical generosity of others. jeremy taught on radical generosity this sunday. So i have been thinking how can i be radically generous. I definitely did not expect to be the recipient of radical generosity. One friend gave me a generous amount of money after babysitting her kids(totally unexpected). Another friend has offered to treat me to a mani and pedi. A family member sent a cash gift in the mail(the exact amount we needed this week for groceries). A local pastor gave Jeremy $250 and told Jeremy to take me out with it. That is alot of date nights! Two friends from Story Church gave us generous money gifts. Then there are those who are generous with their food and time and invite me into their homes. Then there are those who give of their time and love by watching my kiddos. Thank you Jesus for providing for us through wonderful people.

Wow, What a God morning!!

2010-06-06T16:13:00.011-04:00

Today at church was amazing. ever have those moments where God feels so real and close? If not, i encourage you to ask Jesus to reveal himself to you. James 4:8a (one of my favorite verses) says "Draw near to come and he will draw near to you." i could share amazing stories where that has happened (let me know if you ever want to hear them). Okay, sorry about the tangent - back to this morning at church. While Jeremy was speaking I was overwhelmed with emotion and just feeling that this is exactly what God created Jeremy for. For him to be a life-giving pastor and to lead this church. What an amazing feeling to know this is exactly where we are supposed to be. Then the worship was perfect, fit the message so well. Usually jeremy talks with Alastair about what the message is about so he can find suitable songs. well this week he did not have a chance to talk to him about it. So it was totally a God thing. Talking with Jeremy afterward and he too had an overwhelming sense of God moving and working in our presence. He said it was like he was just sitting back observing, watching God move and knowing none of it was our doing but all the work of God. Jeremy shared how he had so little time to work on his message this week because he was meeting with people (which he loves to do). and also that he had so very little notes. He felt it was a message from God. That it was just flowing out of him. Then after service I received one of the most meaningful words ever. Someone had said, "Thank you for obeying God and coming here (planting in durham). We have been blessed by it." I shared this with jeremy cause i knew it would bless his heart too. He then said someone else had shared similar gratitude. He said, "I know why God had brought you to Durham. It was for me." He then went on to share his amazing story of Jesus totally changing his life. and now he has peace, hope and joy. And so many other cool detail that we hope to share on our website and in church soon. We feel so incredibly blessed that God would allow us to be apart of this. I am so thankful we did not let fear and uncertainity hold us back from going on this adventure. I think back to where we were two years ago. We had just told our staff and youth group we were leaving and moving to Durham to plant a church. There were many who asked, "Why NC? Why Durham? How do you know God is calling you to this?" Not knowing all the details of how we were going to do it definetly made it insanely scary. We felt he was leading us to Durham but we couldn't explain why. Their questions often made us second guess our decision. Doing it alone without a team was also so unnerving. But we could not wait until people decided to come with us but had to just go for it and obey His leading. I have an Andy Stanley quotation on our bathroom mirror,"What God originates, God orchestrates." We have needed that constant reminder that God was going to take care of the details of this dream and that we needed to jump into it. Another quotation (donald miller) on our mirror says, "the great stories go to those who do not give into fear." We want to live a great story and have thoroughly enjoyed the story He is writing thus far through us. I leave you with one of my favorite quotations ever by Mother Teresa, "I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."

my kiddos

2010-05-10T21:31:00.003-04:00

Running on Empty

2010-05-02T22:29:00.003-04:00

man, this mom stuff is hard. i have been feeling like i am running on empty, with not much more to give. lately i have felt that out of all my roles(mom, wife, friend,pastor's wife...), the one that i spend the most time and energy being is a housekeeper. having a newborn and a two year old tornado is hard. my six year is helpful and fairly easy but the younger two keep me going nonstop. one of my favorite quotes of all time is, "cleaning your house while your kids are young is like shoveling while it is still snowing." it is insane how true this is. hannah often asks what the point of cleaning her room is cause it is gonna just get messy again. just like our house. but i know i have to keep shoveling otherwise we are gonna get snowed in. i have had to realize and accept that the driveway wont be clear of snow for awhile. that this is only a season. but it is a season every experienced mom says i will miss dearly. so amidst the chaos, butt wiping, meltdown adverting, toilet scrubbing, i need to remember to enjoy these sweet angels. after the girls were in bed i gave isaiah his bath. afterward i had him all bundled up on my chest and he was struggling with all his strength to lift his head to gaze up at me. and of course the tears start coming. probably partly cause i am so emotionally, physically exhausted which makes it easier for the water works. but they were also tears of joy. even though this is the hardest job i will ever have , i also know it will also be the most rewarding. these joyful moments i need to cherish and remember when i am feeling so weary. by the way, i am certain the word "weary" must have been coined by a mom with young kids. it is cool how God works. while feeling so pooped earlier this evening a verse came to my head. "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest." just now i had to look up where that was and it is matthew 11:28. i know i have been so weary lately cause i have not had any silence and solitude. words that dont go with mommy. not only does my personality love these things but they are also spiritual disciplines that help your soul grow and connect you with Jesus. recently the time i felt most refreshed was when i went for a walk by myself with ipod listening to worship music. it was so good for my soul to be outdoors, alone and praising God. so it is after a hard night and couple of weeks that i realize that silence and solitude cannot be ignored and that i desperately need them for my sanity and soul.

Answer to prayer

2010-04-07T15:25:00.003-04:00

so this is part two of my last post on soap john 11. i shared about how our paycheck was only one third of what it was supposed to be. i decided to make this a teaching opportunity for Hannah. we were at the store and she wanted to buy a snack. i told her that we couldn't cause we really did not have the money to do that. i told her that we only had 6 dollars(simplified it so she could better understand) and we needed 18 to pay for our bills. so we need 12 more dollars. but i told her that we did not need to worry because God always takes care of us. and that he knows what we need even before we even ask. i shared that God often takes care of us by using other people. many times it is other people who live for Jesus who help us out. i told her that somehow God tells their hearts and then they help us. i shared with her some examples from our past. i told her about the time we needed 5oo dollars and we had not told a single person this yet days later a friend sent a check for the exact amount. after hearing these stories, hannah asked, "what if no one helps us?" i told hannah that i try not to worry and just remind myself that God will help us and that help will come. i told her that i don't know how God is going to provide the money but he will. so here is how He did. in the mail a check for one hundred came plus a walmart card for 100. days later another card came with 300 in it. then one of our supporters decided to send an additional 700 gift. after it all came in i told hannah, "guess what?! He provided." i reminded her that we needed 12 dollars. i then drew out each dollar and told her what happened. i asked her to count how many dollars he provided. she counted and said 12. i am so glad i decided to share this with hannah. i almost didn't because of fear. i feared it would cause her to worry and also fear, "what if we don't get the money?"

S.O.A.P- John 11

2010-02-24T14:43:00.002-05:00

so at church we are doing these things called soap. "s" stands for scripture, o-observation(basic things about text, perhaps repeated words, details, anything i observe..; a -application(trying to apply it to my life), and p-prayer(write a prayer, usually in regards to the application for me). anyways john 11 was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Mary and Martha both say, "Jesus, if you were here 4 days ago he would be alive." this may be odd but that then made me think about God's timing and how sometimes God's timing is not always our timing. so my prayer was for God to help me trust in His perfect timing. and to remember He has always faithfully provided and then some, an overflowing cup of blessing. crazy how i was just praying this yesterday and today we get our support check(no paychecks yet because we are too new and small of a church) . so a support check is comprised of people(mostly friends and family from back home) giving monthly to support us on this adventure of church planting. It has been amazing that others believe in us enough and believe in this dream that we feel God has given us that they would then generously support us monthly with monetary gifts. Sometimes our checks have been low, perhaps it is the economy, i don't know. but today's check i think has been the lowest. we only received one third of what we normally get. yikes, kinda scary since we are barely making it when we receive a full check. but i cannot help but smile and think , "okay, am i going to trust his timing? am i going to trust that He will provide for us even when i don't see how we are going to come up with the rest?" i mean, i just wrote in my soap journal yesterday about how He has always provided yet worry still creeps in. Faith is not a given, but a choice to trust daily. and definietly not easy all the time. but worry won't get me anywhere. when it arises in my heart, i need to stop and pray and ask for God to work and provide. He will, and i look forward to seeing how He will.

Christmas-photos

2010-02-19T22:44:00.002-05:00

Christmas-Advent Conspiracy

2010-02-19T22:10:00.003-05:00

wow, i am finally writing about Christmas. truly one of our best Christmases ever. and i think it was due to the inspiration from Advent Conspiracy. we decided to do this as a church. we encouraged others to spend less in order to have more to give away. we learned that Americans spend 450 billion a year on Christmas and it only takes 10 billion to provide clean water each year for those who need it. such a cool thought to think that because we as a family and as a church choose to spend less on gifts- children will not die because they have clean water and mothers will not have to mourn the loss of a child due to water caused illness.

jeremy, hannah and i wanted to make gifts for each other. we still bought a couple things for each other. i made hannah a scrapbook that highlights 2009 alphabetically. i also made her a table and chair. jeremy assembled, kandy and i painted then i covered the top with photos of her using modge podge. I made jeremy an inspiration board. bought an old ugly framed art from durham rescue mission thrift store. i painted frame, covered a foam board with a white table cloth from thrift store. then i searched through his Bible and books and found inspirational quotation and wrote and mounted them on cardstock. Jeremy's gift of course brought tears to my eyes. He drew and framed some cartoons. I LOVE IT. hannah and jeremy made me a homemade calendar with art by hannah. super cute.

at our Christmas service we decided to give away our entire offering to Lifewater Ministries to provide clean water for others. so proud of hannah she saved almost 30 bucks in change from the whole year. for just 10 bucks clean water can be provided for a child for a lifetime. so i told her she essentially saved 3 kids lives. more on her story in old blog, clean water.

Hannah's 6th Birthday

2010-01-30T15:58:00.005-05:00

I had tons of fun planning a cooking party for Hannah. I hung this drawing on the front door. I made a pizza cake with just frosting tips. I used #7 tip for pepperoni then smoothed it out. Then #101 for the cheese, and #12 for the crust. It was just a round chocolate cake then put covered it with red frosting.

Birthdays are big at our house. we wanted Hannah to feel special and loved. She woke up to her room being covered in streamers and balloons. Decorating her room with jeremy while she slept reminded me of my teenage years of toliet papering friends' houses. Next she enjoyed chocolate chip pancakes made by daddy. I made her a cupcake pin that said,"it's my birthday!" We surprised her with lunch from McD. and brought cupcakes and drinks to her class. For her party we did a cooking themed party. we made chef hats with strips of posterboard and plastic shopping bags. i had them powder their faces with flour for an authentic look. the kids decorated mini cakes with bagged frosting. They also made little pizzas using sandwich thins. They played pancake relays, racing to carry a pancake on a spatula and return it to their team's frying pan. Then finally they played pin the chef hat on the chef. I probably had as much fun planning it all as she had enjoying it.

Update on Clean Water Post

2009-11-17T15:07:00.003-05:00

so hannah's little can was overflowing so it was time to count all she has saved. total= $26.85. i told her how proud i was of her. we will keep saving toward giving to world vision to provide clean water. i told her that one day people across the world will be so thankful that she decided to share what she has. Because of her there will be kids and families who have clean water to drink. we were talking during our bedtime ritual. the topic changed to our sponsored kids. i shared with her because of family decides to share what we have, three little kids lives are better. they can now go to school, plenty of food and water, and clothes. i told her because we choose to follow Jesus and obey him by being generous others are blessed. i told her about that verse that says it is more blessed to give than to receive. and how we are feeling what that verse talks about. she had said, "yeah , i am so happy. and really excited to share(her money). i have lots of nice toys. i don't need anymore." totally blown away that such wisdom is coming out of the mouth of a six year old. thank you Jesus for her compassion and love for the poor.

another amazing story of God providing

2009-10-27T20:51:00.003-04:00

i had intended to write about this a few weeks ago when it happened but never got around to it. i don't want to forgot about the times He has provided. i also want to log these stories to be able to share with my kids about His faithfulness. right now is a very perfect time to recount this story because right now i am stressing on how He is going to provide in my current situation. okay so a few months ago a stranger in durham gave a generous gift online to story church. jeremy and i were both blown away. so cool! well a few weeks ago this same individual more than tripled their last gift!!! and the coolest detail how God provided through this individual, on the memo line it read sound equipment, a very exact specific need we have been praying for God to provide.

so i am smiling now as i type because it is ironic i am sharing this cool story yet panicking on how God is going to meet our next need. our paycheck this month is 1200 less than normal due to decrease in support from our sponsors. 1200, the exact amount we need to pay for our rent this month. i am trying so hard not to stress about this. when i notice my heart getting anxious i am trying to pray and remember how He has always provided in the past. but is stinkin hard to trust and not stress. when i pray i try to remember He owns it all, 1200 is not too huge for him.=) one of my favorite things to do is to pray actual Bible verses by putting a name in it. Phil. 4:9 is one i have prayed for ones and now one i pray for us. it goes like this "I pray that You, God, shall supply all of our needs according to your riches in glory by Christ Jesus". one of my favorite verses encourages me lots during this time. Eph. 3:20, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us,". i am excited to be able to finish this blog later with how He provided.

Okay, i said i would be back to tell how He provided. so this month we received a full paycheck which has not happened in months. that meant all our supporters were able to fully support of this month! our church back home does this thing called Christmas in october. they take an offereing for the missionaries and then divide it up and send it out. so we got a sweet check from that. and a family member back home sent us a generous gift too. wow, talk about God providing! all three things we were totally unexpected

Saying Goodbye for Now

2009-09-03T22:12:00.002-04:00

we had a busy month with nine visitors from CA and all visiting in about three weeks time with some overlap. six of our visitors were former youth group students who are now about to be sophomores in college. we had this class since they were just little sixth grade babies. the guys included kevin mayer, nick maurer, nick tate, jared sumners, jayson schivley, and josh armijo. we had lots of fun. hannah adores her "big friends". four of these guys helped us move across the country one year ago. they took the road trip with jeremy for five days driving countrywide. it was hard to see them go last year but i had a much harder time this year. i started crying before they even pulled out of the driveway. i cried off and on all day. kinda like that saying, "don't know what you got til its gone." but we did know what we had. what a wonderful ministry in CA. great friends, family too. what an amazing group of students we left behind. i guess being removed from youth ministry a year just gives me more time to reflect and remember all the good times we had. i know God has adventures in store for us here in NC. already watching Him move. so i am not longing to go back just enjoying what we had. their visit was also so refreshing for jeremy's soul too. and for that reason i was also bummed to see them go. it was just good for him to relax, have fun and be himself. a huge thing i miss about home is just being known. home is a place where you are known and people love you even after knowing you with all your flaws. it is a good feeling, a sense of security. when moving to a new place there is a desire to be known. not like being famous but known for who you are. when moving to a new place every contact, interaction kinda feels like a blind date. that nervousness, worry if they like you are not. the fear to not be totally yourself because if they fully knew me then they would not like what they discover. and i guess being somewhere you grew up there are already those secure relationships. i think moving somewhere new and being in ministry is even trickier. being a pastor or a pastor's wife there is a desire to be what people want you to be. especially church planters, my desire to be a church that people want to be apart. even though i know there is no perfect church, not even close cause church is made up of all us imperfect people with all our baggage. but that knowledge does not take away that crazy desire to perform. i tend to be a people pleaser and i am trying to focus on pleasing God with my life and not people. whoa that blog went on a tangent. just evidence of my wandering mind. =)

joy of being a mama

2009-08-13T09:27:00.003-04:00

we have 6 former students here visiting this week and another friend. we were sitting around and one of them said how hard moms have it. that is is such a hard job(crying babies, poopy diapers,...) then i said that is true but it is also so rewarding. they wanted further clarification on how that could be. i shared how sweet they are in showing their love to me. then i was asked "so those sweet moments are worth it even with times of 40 minutes of screaming?" definetly. the joy of being a mom is hard to explain. right after this i took the girls on a walk to get more leaves for her hungry caterpillar pets. it was sprinkling and of course joy was being a little turd demanding hannah's umbrella. hannah resentfully gave in to her little sis. and then said, "she always takes my stuff!" and i then said,"true, but this is only a phase. she will learn and grow out of it. and even though she is stinky sometimes we will actually miss these times when she was this little and cute." we then proceeded to share with each other all our favorite things we like about joy at this fun age. it was wonderful, laughing and talking with our arms around each other. this is what being a mommy is all about. true, they are turds at times but their times of sweetness and joy far outnumber the rotten times. then i thought my joy at a being a mommy is a hard thing to fully explain then i realized it can only be fully understand once someone experiences being a parent.

that thought then lead me to think about my experience with my savior, Jesus. i have been asked many times to try to explain my relationship with Jesus. and it is the same as trying to fully explain what it is like to be a mommy, often words are not enough. and it is only through experience that one can fully understand. i have had the joy of trying to help people find faith. they so badly want the faith and trust. i just have to keep encouraging them to continue seeking and praying. God says in his word in Jeremiah 29:13, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." faith is usually a process, a journey. for some it is a light switch where it happens instantly. but for many more it is like a light dimmer, a gradual process, where the room slowly gets brighter and brighter and the darkness in their world begins to disappear.

prayer walk

2009-07-24T16:50:00.002-04:00

Joy is insisting on watching elmo so i write this with his little voice in the background. i am trying to develop a habit of running(actually very slow jogging) to the gym, working out then walking home. the walk home takes 20-30 minutes at a nice slow stroll. during that time i like to spend it praying. i cannot tell you how wonderful this spiritual exercise has been for me. it has been much needed refreshment to my thirsty soul. i love the quiet, stillness of morning. the beautiful trees, birds singing, and cool breeze are awesome. prayer flows so freely in this environment. so easy to pour out my heart to the Lord. the walk seems like it often begins with an overwhelming heart of thankfulness as i thank him for all the wonderful things on this walk. i feel so blessed to just have a community with sidewalks, gym, playground and lake to enjoy. this has usually been a time where i make my requests to God. but today i just felt the need to just sit and enjoy his presence. psalm 46:10 says,"Be still and know that I am God". and being still and quiet is so hard for me. even after the gym i said, "okay i will just sit for 5 minutes then i gotta get going." like i just had to get home but i didn't. jeremy was fine gettting the girls breakfast. i tend to rush things instead of resting. so i sat on a bench overlooking at a gorgeous lake and was quiet. i even tried to quiet the chatter in my head. you know the constant to do lists and errands to get done for the day, week, month, etc... i just wanted the time to listen. too often i fill my life with busyness and rarely take time in silence and solitude. if i do not get away and be still, how will i ever hear when he is trying to speak to me? i am 30 years old and wishing i would have started this habit sooner because it is so awesome for my soul. so i resisted the urge to move and sat for another 5 minutes. then on the walk home i continued to try to be quiet and listen instead of the usual prayer requests. and at first at felt bad like i should be praying and perhaps this was wasted time. but is so not true, this practice of silence adds to my life instead of taking away from it. the habit of seeking silence and solitude is so hard and i see why it is called a spiritual discipline because it is so stinkin difficult. but like all good disciplines(eating healthy, exercise, studying and reading,...) they are so worth all the sweat and effort. since starting this prayer walk thingee i now(well mostly) look forward to waking early. before it was almost impossible to get my butt up to go to the gym. the physical benefits were not motivating enough i guess. but now i do not want to miss this opportunity. it is really combining too benefits. i also used to try to wake early to pray and study my Bible. but that usually resulted in me falling asleep on the couch. i am so thankful we can make this work. jeremy and i each get three mornings where we can get out. another helpful thing is on my walk i dont try to get physical benefits out of it like walking fast or with weights or with tight abs but just enjoy it and not lose my focus on those things.

Tucked in with thanks

2009-06-24T20:59:00.002-04:00

Joy usually goes to bed quite easily. i give her bunny and hold her through a song and she is out. well tonight after i laid her down she fussed a few minutes before i went back in to hold her. as i picked her up she melted into my arms, resting her sweet head on my shoulder. as i was holding her i was running my finger through her red little locks and enjoying the smell of her baby shampoo. it was at that moment that i was flooded with thankfulness. here is a list of those things as i rocked her to sleep:

*thank you Jesus that i have clean water to bathe my baby everyday(if i wanted to but rarely happens =)

*thank you she has clean water to drink and is not at risk of getting worms and dying from them

* shoes for her feet so she does not get sores and and thus run the risk of worms entering her wounds and possibly taking her life(a scenario that many children around the world deal with)

* weather appropriate clothing(tanks in summer and many layers for winter)

*electricity to plug in her night light and lullaby C.Dto soothe her to sleepy land

*a roof and walls to protect her from the elements

*diapers, wipes, and ointment to protect her

*a crib

*puzzles to stimulate her learning

*books to help her grow

*her small pink Bible given to her by the nursery ladies(i pray she will always have the freedom to read His Word and that she can actually own her own copy, a luxury to many Christians in the world)

*air conditioner and heat to keep her comfortable

*smoke alarm to protect from fire

*that she has all her senses fully functioning

*a healthy body with all its parts

*a mind that is growing daily

*that she is learning to love

What a treasure she is. four months after we lost our second baby(5weeks along in pregnancy) she was conceived. i cannot imagine life without her. what pure joy she is

Our story of coming to N.C (world's longest blog) =)

2009-02-20T23:24:00.013-05:00

i get asked a lot why we moved and why north carolina. well here it is, and not in a nutshell, more like a novel because i could not leave out any amazing details. well for about the last decade we have been doing youth ministry in Yucaipa, California. we have been trying and hoping to teach, mentor, and guide teenagers (junior high up to college). and we have absolutely loved it. we loved the unannounced visits to just hang out, the many youth trips, serving alongside these guys, and so much more. since we loved it so we really had not anticipated changing what we do. jeremy and i always joked that he could be a youth pastor but let's NEVER do the senior pastor thing teaching adults, being the head church guy. we had also joked that we would definitely NEVER EVER church plant. that may sound like an odd term but it means to start a church somewhere from scratch. not like a cult or our own religion but a church that seeks to follow Jesus and emulate his life by loving and serving others. so since we had both already thought we established those rules for our life we found it very odd when feeling lead to do exactly what we said we would never do. a complete testament that this was not our plan at all but God's leading. i remember when jeremy came home from church one day and he told me that he felt like God may be calling him to church plant. i was definitely shocked just as he was. we wanted to make sure this really was from God and not our own hearts' desire (cause it definitely wasn't our desire). The call was very shocking and scary. i even documented it in my prayer journal. my prayer journal has been so wonderful in my life. it is where i pour out my heart to God. i date and write down the things that weigh heavy on my heart. it is the tool i use to pray. because otherwise i tend to fall asleep with my eyes closed and that much silence so i write it out. sometimes it is long and sometimes just a few words. i could do a whole other blog about the pages and pages of answered prayer and how God has worked. let me know if you want me to share. anyways (tangent) i wrote back on october 29th, 2005, "i do not know what You have in store for us. but i'm excited. i pray for wisdom and clear direction. church planting?" that was after he shared that with me. i noticed a few pages back on 10-12-05 i had wrote, "i don't know if it is me or You or both God but i feel like we won't always be in Yucaipa. prepare us for/if You take us to a new location." this was in 2005. we currently had my two teenage siblings living with us so we felt that we could not move until they had graduated high school (which the youngest would graduate in 2008). they had moved from michigan and we did not want to put them through another school change. so we knew we had to stay put for a few years. which was fine by us because we needed more time to pray and think about something as crazy as this. we decided to tell no one at least for two years and just pray about. i told God =) that He was gonna have to make it so stinkin obvious and to really confirm this call on Jeremy's life before we could do this thing. we had only told our moms because we wanted them to be praying for us as well. and of course they said they knew this all along and were just waiting when God would call us away. thanks for warning us moms.=)

the first major confirmation came about nine months after we started praying for direction. jeremy had kinda formulated a list of names of people he would want to join us on this adventure of church planting. it wasn't like he was telling God what to do but maybe trying to make a deal. he, he. =) like hey God, if i am gonna do this i can't do it alone so could you send some with us? anyways at the top at that list was a close friend of his. but jeremy had not seen or talked to him in six months. he was overseas in thailand on a mission. they had spent many late nights dreaming and talking about their vision for what church could be. many times jeremy wanted to share his leading to plant but chose not to. we did not want to tell anyone because we did not want our youth group to catch wind of it and think we were leaving yet. and we did not want them to hear this news from anyone but us. so we had to keep a lid on it. anyways one afternoon jeremy gets a call. it is this one friend, but it is in the middle of the night in thailand. he had been laying in bed for hours not being able to sleep. he was really feeling like God wanted him to call jeremy. the thought, "call jeremy, call jeremy" would not leave him. so finally around 2:00a.m he conceded and said, "okay God if i call him will you let me sleep". he asked jeremy what his plans were a year or two from now. jeremy was still hesitant, wanting to be vague and not let the cat out the bag too soon. so he said, "well, you know we are happy where we are, but if God calls us elsewhere then we would be open to that too". jeremy sensed that was not clear enough for him because he wanted to know what his plans were. so his friend said, "i feel like God is calling me to do something with you." that convinced jeremy to share that he was feeling like God was leading him to plant. his friend eagerly responded, "oh good, because i really feel like the Lord is telling me that i will be working with you". whoa- crazy. God had used someone half way around the world in the middle of the night to confirm jeremy's call on his life. it was really the thing that got the ball rolling for us. it gave us hope and courage to pursue this crazy dream that was put on his heart.

then two months later (9-17-06) another amazing confirmation. and still at this point only the one friend and the moms know. one sunday night after jeremy gave his message, a stranger came up to him. the man asked if he could pray for jeremy. of course jeremy let him. the man went on to pray things that he could not possibly know. the man did not know jeremy or the plans he had in his heart. he prayed that jeremy would have wisdom in the near future in making big decisions. he also prayed that jeremy and his wife would have unity in making these future decisions. i can't remember the rest but that definitely shocked us, because this man prayed exactly what jeremy needed.

During these couple of years God continued to confirm this call. a particular verse in the Bible kept coming back to jeremy over and over. it was Genesis 12:1,"The Lord had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land i will show you." God continually brought this verse to jeremy to the point it became comical. We had to laugh because He was making it so clear that we were going to have to leave Yucaipa, leave our comfort zone and go far away. jeremy was born and raised in Yucaipa. It didn't matter what jeremy was reading or listening to, the verse kept returning. so many podcasts, sermons, and books. there are 66 books in the Bible, a whole lot more chapters, and even more verses so this continual pattern was no coincidence. so now we knew we were going to have to leave. that naturally caused much anxiety and fear. we have such wonderful family and friends. of course God knowing our fear He began to bring another verse to jeremy over and over. But this time he also brought this verse to me as well. it was joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." while jeremy took 20 youth and adults to south africa to serve i stayed behind because i was prego. anyways i volunteered to help in vacation Bible school. and why don't you guess what the theme verse was. i laughed when i called jeremy in africa to tell him. God knows we were and still are scared. to leave your hometown and all your friends and family is not easy. the future is scary but also exciting to see what God has in store for us. we trust that God is gonna work mightily. this whole thing was his idea and we trust He will build his church and that it does not depend on our abilities to do so.

my sister was going to graduate june 2008 and after that point we would be free to move. so we felt that at the end of the summer we would move to North Carolina. So january of 2008 jeremy decided to share this dream with his senior pastor, Ron. he was very supportive and encouraging. we were then encouraged to go to this thing called a church planters assessment center. it was a week long trip to wisconsin. Prior to this trip we prayed and prayed that this assessment week would be a time of confirmation. either seal the deal or shut the door. we were there with four other couples who were also interested in church planting. then there was a huge team of assessors (i want to say at least ten men and women). some of these are pastors who also were church planters and also psychologists. it is basically a week long interview with these people dissecting you and intimately looking into your life. prior to coming and while there we completed several personality tests. the data was analyzed. we had group sessions where they wanted to see how we interact with others then there were also couple interviews. the assessors prayed a time for each of us. it is their desire to find our strengths and to see if church planting would be a good fit for us. All week long the comments from peers and assessors really affirmed what we had been feeling. one particular test revealed that Jeremy is a take-charge leader who could not not lead, like he was compelled to. his mom also affirmed this saying his whole life he had been a leader and peers had asked him to lead. during all the church planting exercises (where they role played and problem solved as church planters), Jeremy would leave so energized and received such satisfaction from it. yet another confirmation that he had been designed by God for this very thing. at the end of the week there is an exit interview where they share whether they believe you are cut out for this. this is no simple thing. these assessors fervently pray all week long over these couples. they assess hundreds of couples a year. our exit interview was so affirming and encouraging. the confirmation on our hearts this week was overwhelming. i guess God wanted to make it so obvious. i am glad because I asked Him to make it so clear. the Lord knew we lacked the confidence in ourselves. he showed us that He can and will use us even though we don't feel worthy.

here is another confirmation. Jeremy had shared this decision to leave and church plant with his high school staff. afterwards one of our sponsors had shared that she felt she was experiencing a spiritually dry season, not hearing from God. but after Jeremy shared she said she felt otherwise. she had said that a month ago when she was writing an encouraging card to Jeremy she heard God telling her that we were leaving!!

hold on here is another cool confirmation from God. one of our senior girls who we have grown very close to (had her since junior high) said she dreamt we were leaving about one month before we told everyone.

one month after that assessment we were sent to Charlotte, NC (what do you know, NC, crazy, huh?) for a church planters conference. we planned after the conference to stay a few days with my sister to check out North Carolina. We knew He was calling us away (Genesis 12-story of Abram to leave his home), to step out in faith to go somewhere unknown and to leave our comfort zone. prior to this i had visited NC twice to see my sister. the first visit there I had shared with Jeremy that this feels like we are supposed to be here. couldn't explain it just felt it in my heart. Jeremy always says he feels like God speaks to him through me and that God often speaks to me first then him. so after that first time we had months and months to keep praying about it. so we felt NC was the place but where in NC. my sister lived in Raleigh. while there Jeremy visited a local church and talked with one of the pastors and shared our vision. he came home feeling so discouraged and utterly lost. when he shared our plans the pastor made him feel like he was crazy to leave CA and to plant somewhere he doesn't know. It is crazy but it wasn't our idea. =) after that comment, he wasn't doubting God's call to plant just so unsure of the where. we both felt so lost that afternoon. we both began praying that God would reveal to us the specific where, our new city. we wanted to drive around and check neighboring cities. Amy (my sister) had taken us on a drive through Cary, Morrisville, and some others. we were still feeling so lost. we then called our moms and a friend and asked them to be praying for us to find the where. then Amy's boyfriend wanted to show us around Durham. we were going to drive separately but he really wanted to drive together to be our tour guide. during that tour I had just an overwhelming sense that this was a right fit. to the point of such excitement and overwhelmed with emotions that the tears started to come. Jeremy felt the same way. we prayed for wisdom and direction but i did not expect to receive such a clear answer. the city is pushing to restore downtown. that was awesome because restoration is a major theme for us. it is our heart's desire to see peoples' lives restored spiritually and to be made complete as people. another cool thing was Durham had been a city that kept coming back to Jeremy's mind even before this tour.

Jeremy has been reading a ton on church planting. in one of the books the author shares his story but also other common experiences from other church planters. he has a chapter on signs of a calling from God:

* prayer and Bible study- people who are called often feel God confirms His calling every time they read or pray. yep, that's jeremy. story of Abraham and Joshua continually showing up.

* Surprise- yep, that was definitely us. God intercepted our plans with a new vision. it is funny looking back because we are doing the two things we said we would never do: church plant and do the lead pastor thing.

* Burden for the unchurched- we long to see people know the hope and love of God, and the life He can give to people.

*Godly counsel- a proper call will be accompanied by confirmation of those around you. yep, having both our moms confirm this. after sharing it with church staff there was such affirmation. one of the elders had said he always knew Jeremy would. it was not a matter of if but of when.

In that book Andy Stanley (pastor) poses this challenge to potential leaders called by God: "You're afraid? so what. everybody's afraid. fear is the common ground of humanity. the question you must wrestle to the ground is "Will i allow my fear to bind me to mediocrity?" you must decide to walk into the adventure for which you feel God is calling you.

you are not going to believe this next part of the story. july 24th, 2008 (about one week before we are leaving CA). this is one of those "are you kidding me?" moments. jeremy had just received a message on his cell phone with the real estate lady telling us the house we had our hearts set on just got rented. even though I had been calling them all week leaving messages because we wanted to put our deposit down. so we were bummed! (but it is all good because we love our neighborhood now) so jeremy called his best friend with the stinky news but this friend had some crazy news of his own. they had felt like God was really doing something in their lives lately. after we had dinner the week before-we were both excited, like hoping they were gonna join us in Durham. they were planning to come visit us in November for their vacation. anyways i hear jeremy hysterically laughing in the bedroom while talking to his best friend on the phone and i go to see what is so funny. i had been praying for months for this family. but 4 months ago i wrote in my prayer journal- "3/17/2008- if they are supposed to join us please confirm it on all our hearts. make it obvious." well his friend shares that he and his wife were talking about this whole thing. and they had said if God really wants us to move to NC , he is gonna have to send us a sign. He's gonna have to give us the call. no joke, less than a minute later - their phone rings. this is late in the evening. They don't recognize the number so they decide not to pick it up. he decided to look up the area code (by the way this is something he has never done) on the computer because he is curious to where it is from. guess where? - Durham, NC!!!!! the next day (Wed.) the same number calls but this time on the caller ID it says, "church planting." i am so stinkin serious. i am getting goose bumps again just typing this. don't worry the story gets better. his wife answers and there is no answer. he tells jeremy about this the very next day (Thurs.) he had assumed that jeremy had some office in NC calling his supporters. but jeremy told him, "not at all". we don't have an office in NC or anyone calling our supporters. so i call his wife the next day to hear her response to all this. she also gives me more info and shares how God had been speaking to her. she said, "this may sound weird but i believe God speaks to me not necessarily audible but speaks to my heart. and Brian often feels that God speaks to me first. after returning home from a run (Mon.) i felt his presence and felt him saying, "I'm moving your family on. not sure what he meant by that. then that night we had dinner with you guys and felt so comfortable sharing and felt like we were on the same page with you guys, more so than any other time."(crazy cause jeremy and i had said the same thing to each other) anyway the next morning she was listening to a joyce meyer podcast and the whole thing was on Genesis 12 with Abraham. then the next day when she pushed play on CD player, the song was about that story with Abraham. so later that night (tues) is when the 1st call came. next day (Wed)- 2nd call. then friday i call her to hear her share all these things with me. while she is on the phone with me she says, " hold on, i am getting another call." she looks to see who it is and she says, "Kimi, it is the number calling!" total goose bumps, head to toe. so she switches over (i am waiting on hold) and actually hears a recorded messsage that begins, "If you are looking for a new church in your soon to be area..." our friends had been praying that God would show them the church they should go to. i figured this would be a perfect fit since our new baby church will not have all the kids programs yet. she told me their website and i looked it up. Crazy- their senior pastor got his seminary degree at the little university we went to in southern CA. let me remind you this is a church in Raleigh that is calling a home in southern California. Generally when looking to advertise your church you do not target people almost 3,000 miles away. so i am thinking, "dude this is crazy, i gotta email the pastor and let him know how their church has been involved with some crazy answers to prayers." i explain the phone calls and then end the email asking how they select people to call with their recorded message and do they call people in southern California often? the assistant pastor emails me back saying that this is a wild story. he says that "they do not now nor have they EVER used a recorded message to call people, and we should let our friends know it wasn't them calling but it must have been God giving them the sign they needed!" did you get goosebumps like i did. =) another crazy part of this story, when this girlfriend told her best friend about their desire to join us, her friend was totally at peace with it. her best friend was listening to a radio sermon and it was about God moving people on and she said God brought this couple to her mind and she knew they would be leaving! this was before my friend shared anything about the move with her.

when we moved out they came out too for a week to check things out. after their time here they felt it was not the right time. i don't know what they all discussed but they feel God was saying not yet. i do not worry about it because God will continue to lead them here if it is meant to be. even if they are not with us, it was still was an amazing encouragement to us and strengthened our belief that He was leading us here.

since being here, God is doing some cool things. i have made some wonderful friends. our neighbors are awesome! the first month we were so stinkin lonely. God truly answered my prayer for friends. no joke, after a month this place really felt like home. it was as though God moved our hearts here as well and not just our stuff. i honestly did not expect it to feel like home and so perfect for our family so soon. there will be many more blogs about all He is doing here in Durham. hold on, it is going to be an adventure!

Clean Water

2009-01-03T22:59:00.005-05:00

today i overheard hannah talking to julie. she wanted to show julie(her 7 year old aunt) a photo she found in my World Vision magazine. it was World Vision's Christmas catalog where you can buy things like a goat for a needy family, a share of a well for clean water, clothes for kids, etc. she was confused about a picture of a small boy with a very swollen belly. she said to me, "mama why does this boy have a big belly, i thought only mamas have babies." i then explained to her that he is sick from worms living in his belly because he drank dirty water. i told her how many kids get sick and even die from dirty water. i also told her that many kids cannot go to school because they spend all day walking to get water. i could see the wheels in her head turning. i did not want to say, "isn't that sad, honey" and leave it at that. i want to teach her to do something when she learns of suffering or injustice and not just ignore it. back in yucaipa she would support kids in haiti by collecting coins in an old soup can. her old sunday school still does so but instead of mailing that money back home we decided to make her can a clean water fund. she decorated the outside with water waves with blue marker. Her compassion and generosity amazes me. from a tiny toddler any coins she would find would go instantly into her can for "the kids." we even had a big tub in our bedroom where we were saving coins for vacation fund or something. and she wanted it for the kids. it was hard telling her no because we needed it for bills. anyways she has eight dollars so far. we are shooting for one hundred which will provide a share of a well. i just love her sweet spirit.

my little trick monkey

2008-12-01T23:44:00.003-05:00

man, who has time for a blog being a mommy with two small kids? it has been forever since i have journaled. so i am continually amazing at each new trick my little joy masters. even the smallest things bring a smile to my face like learning to wave bye,bye. she can climb upstairs but also is able to climb downstairs because daddy one time taught her how to safely go backwards. just yesterday you clap your hands when i cheer. it truly is amazing that this little one can communicate with us when only 10 months ago she was crammed inside my belly. she can point and grunt when she wants something. she pulls my neck when she wants me to get up (so you really is the little trained monkey? =). she is also very able to protest my decisions like squealing loudly when i attempt to stop her from bathing in the toilet. the ability to learn is a glorious thing. and that it never ends. it is beyond comprehension to think on all the things we know and still have the memory and capability to learn more. God is such an awesome creator.

God's provision

2008-11-05T20:46:00.003-05:00

recently someone i love had a desperate need. they needed $200 to take of that need. we wanted to help so we gave them that money. at that point we were kinda worried about our monthly support. the last we checked the records showed no monthly support for last month of october. so that definetly worried us since we need that to live. so after giving them the money i asked jeremy if we are going to have enough money to pay bills since we gave that away. he was unsure. so i decided to continue to pray that God would provide unexpected money. and he has done just that. just recently someone joined our support team, someone we have only met recently, and they have committed to a large monthly support. wow, completely unexpected. but i shouldn't be surprised that He has provided for us yet once again. but the means He does it still wows me.

Are You Kidding Me?

2008-11-05T20:31:00.003-05:00

ever have those moments when something happens and you get goosebumps and/or giggle to yourself because of the perfectness of that thing. or i am just overwhelmed with awe that i have to giggle and say to myself or aloud, "Are you kidding me?" That is the phrase i have now coined to describe God moments in my life. It is when God surprises me with something good and i just can't believe how perfectly fitting it is. and i am in unbelief because it seems too good to be true. i usually laugh at these moments because i am overwhelmed with joy because of the perfectness of the gift. I praise God for being so personal right down to the details of my life. He knows me so well that i think He likes to throw in those absolutely perfect details that fit me. But i have discovered that He specializes in blessing us with things that are too good to be explained any other way than being a gift from Him. i have had many of these moments here in NC. He has answered my prayer for friends so wonderfully. He has done the same for jeremy and hannah as well. it was after beth moore's Believing God study that these moments were becoming more common place. she taught me to change my mind set. she encouraged me to not only believe in God but to believe God to be huge in my life, to expect Him to work miracles, to expect Him to work mightly in my life. And He has and continues to wow my socks off.

Kids, Treasures from heaven

2008-10-25T18:24:00.002-04:00

man, my girls are angels. Believe me they have had their moments when i thought otherwise. But a majority of the time they are such delight. joy truly fullfils her name. i wonder at night her little cheeks are sore from all the smiling. i love that she smiles with her eyes, they just twinkle. i learn so much about God from my 5 year old, hannah. so often she shocks me with how much she reflects her savior. tonight, she prayed that her friends destiny and josh would be safe as they went to the beach. we hadn't discussed this, she just know they were leaving. i praise God for her others-centered heart. she has been praying that daddy would find friends. ( and God is answering this) one time after bedtime prayers we discussed what the verse means when it says to pray continually, how God wants us to talk to him anytime about anything. she then said, "Yeah, like one time when i was at grammy's with julieann and sara. we were fighting so i prayed two times that we would stop." i can't recall praying silently at that age. since having kids i feel like God has given me a little better glimpse of what God is like. i experience an unconditional love for my kids, words cannot explain the depth of my love. they are such delight to me just like we are to God. just their very being gives me joy. it makes my heart happy when she obeys and seeks to please me. i can only imagine that is God's response too. and hurt when she chooses to do it her own way and disobey.

Another Lesson needed

2008-10-25T17:37:00.003-04:00

as well as learning to simplify our stuff, i am learning to be more resourceful and not so wasteful. I am realizing how much food we wasted before. we like to make burritos and typically we will only use 1/2 the bag of tortillas then the rest sit on the counter until i notice green furry growing on it then i toss it. i am an expert at growing mold. now with money so tight i find ways to reuse. i will plan another meal to use those last torillas up. it has been kinda a fun challenge for myself. it sounds silly but it is even rewarding. like one night i was so excited to use a full can of spaghetti sauce. having limited funds also make shopping not so tempting. it makes shopping a much faster and freeing experience. it has helped me with self discipline. i have never been a huge spender. i still love deals, discount stores, my blessed 99 cents store, yard sales and thrift stores. but my problem is getting too many unneeded deals. since it was a deal i had to buy it. what i miss the most since having a tight budget is having the financial freedom to buy gifts. i love to give gifts and feed people. but i know this only a season in our lives. ...just recently getting a renter for our california home is awesome. i now have more freedom to buy gifts and can afford to have people over for dinner. true, you can get to know people without food but food just makes it so much better. =)

Learning to Be Simple

2008-10-25T17:29:00.002-04:00

i did this one a while ago. learning to be simple is one thing i feel like i am learning with this whole crazy move and having no money. i remember as i was packing up our yucaipa house i was literally getting so ticked that we had so much crap! The task of packing seemed neverending. we rented the biggest truck(24 feet). i thought surely this will fit all our stuff. oh, i was so wrong. that truck was packed to the ceiling and the door could barely shut. And we still had so much left that i had a huge yard sale to get rid of it all. while unpacking in nc i still keep trying to purge. one thing hannah really wanted to do when we moved to NC was to have a yard sale. i know, crazy huh? only made 30 bucks but got rid of so much stuff. so freeing to let go of stuff

Why Blog?

2008-10-25T17:24:00.002-04:00

i have had a blog for months. it has just been in my spiral notebook. =) why do i blog? for me, it is just an online journal. i love to journal my thoughts without it causing more clutter or take up more space. The whole internet thing confuses me. i don't ge how my stuff is somehow magically saved away somewhere. but i love it not taking up space. i know i am a nerd but organization is a beautiful thing to me. i just condensed our pantry junk os that i could have one shelf all to myself to store my stuff. I just stood back admiring the orderliness of it with my plastic tubs with sweet little yellow labels. I knew jeremy must think i am a big goof.

Birthday Blessings

2008-10-25T17:13:00.003-04:00

We had Hannah's party today and it went so well. i cannot stop praising God how wonderful it went. There was 7 adult guests and 9 kids. and that was only half the kids invited. we had such an amazing time visiting with our guests. Jason and Susan came. we just met them today. they have only been here two weeks, moved from Texas. what a great family. God is amazing how He keeps bringing people into our lives. And they are all so perfect for us, good friendships are forming right away. God is awesome how He perfectly orchestrates things. We love our neighborhood and neighbors. I look forward to developing these new friendships more.